i haven't felt this amazing is so long.
so motivated.
just to take on anything in my way.
ready to become who i want to be.
finally.



restriction- day 15.
going fucking strong.


12 days until i leave for vacation.
making every day, every hour count.

i don't want to talk about yesterday again.
it's over and i've moved on and forward from my almost potential binge moment.
i'm fucking proud of myself.
i finally choose to do what I WANT to do, rather than that evil voice.
so maybe if i just keep telling it to shut-up, it'll just go away.

right now i'm feeling scared though.
afraid that thoose feelings are go to come more frequent.
afraid for each day to come, because i have finally come so far.
it's over the relapse is over..i just need to keep taking it day by day.

i'm not really in a writing mode, i don't know why i started.

i'm starting to feel this little bit on energy and happiness toward life and...living.
my willpower is on my shoulder watching my every move and i have proven to be this strong thus far.
restriction at its best, FINALLY.
i don't know what took me so fucking long.
2 month relapse.
i don't know what got into me honesty...i've proven the "just one more day" theory ruins lives.
and ends up turning into "just one more month"
you don't realize it when your doing it then you fucking look at the date, because you haden't for a while cause you just didn't give a shit, then it's like, yep, wow, the month is changing and i've been in full-force relapse mode.
i can't wait to look back on it and say- HAHA! you can't control me i control you.
i'm smarter this time.
i can't wait to hit the 14 day mark.
sadly, but greatly it's the second hump.
7 day was the first.
but 14 days...i haven't done in 2 months.
i can't wait to feel how i'm going to feel on this day.
saturday.
halleluajh.
i think i spelt that wrong for sure.

that doesn't seem like very much time.
does it.
well, it's still nearly 3 weeks.
time scares me cause so much can happen...and not happen in between.
i'm really focused right now and back on track, so i'm just praying everything goes as i have it layed out in my head.
i don't think it's unrealistic.
but it's so hard to tell, cause i don't know how much "binge/water" weight i have on me, and how much is real.
it scares me uncontrollably.
either way whatever kind of weight it is, it has not been on me long.
weight should come off quicker if it's been on your body not very long.
i think, thats the standard i am going by.
i feel uneasy right now, like i'm fine and stuff it's just i'm anxious and i know i just have to keep holding on day by day and take it one day at a time.

i can't put a word on how a feel.
it's strange.
yet, it's not a bad type of emotionless.
it's an, oh my god, i think i finally got my head on straight kinda emotionless.
i've been taken each day as it comes, and sort of embracing it the only way i can.
doing small things.
eating the way i "should" be eating.
working out like a crazy, crazy motherfucker.
and it feels good.
it feels right.
i think.
when i work out, i know i'm doing this, and i know i'm doing it for me.
and i know as i push myself minute to minute i will grasp success even quicker.
somethings different this time.
unsure what.
it could be the fact that i am going on vacation in 21 days.
it could be the fact that i failed my first goal of april, which is easter, and as i sit in my house by myself, lonely, in front of the televisin watching the hills or some stupid shit like that, i will remember that i am the one that put myself in this position.
and i have to pull myself out.
the only way i know how.
the only way i can.
and be happy in the end.
it's scary to me.
because as each day comes i just pray to god i'll get through it.
pray to god to give me the strength to succeed and have strength the next day.
then i remember i am the controler of my system, i can beat this.
beat this horrible system.
i've done it before.
and i will do it again.
i'm no stereotype.
i refuse to be.

this isn't about being thin anymore.
it's about getting my life back.
and being..
me.

"let nothing stop you in the pursuit of your passion".

yeah that phrase above.
i was just inspired by it.
is it corny?
i just saw it on fuse, an album title of a band i actually really think is lame, ironically.

every second counts.

it could just mean so many things.
so many silly things going on in my head like.
an extra second(s) of working out.
an extra second of thought process of stoping a possible binge.
and then theres the whole time factor i always have in my head. time time time. hour hour hour.
i should start making every second count.
theres so many things i need to start doing.

i'll update in a few days when i'm going where i need to be.
i'm pretty focused right now.
gonna start a journal tomorrow, handwritten, to focus on daily goals, yadda yadda.
thearpy tomorrow...
doctor appt. monday.
does this ever end?

somehow i know there is a light at the end of this tunnel...and i will not deny myself happiness, i know it's not here right now, but i will get it. it's the only thing i care about acheiving right now.

i think i'm crazier than i allow people to think i am.
i hope thats not abnormal.
i mean everyones alittle crazier than they let on...right?
sometimes, i feel i get so crazy that i can't even contain my so-called "craziness". sometimes i feel i shouldn't be let out into this world.
why do i think this way.
why do i let these thoughts consume my mind.
this inanimature-unpowerful object, that cannot walk, breath, or say anything to me. has branched out to control my life in every aspect possible. aka. FOOD.
sometimes i think when it's getting better it's just getting worse.
is it?
i don't know anymore.
i don't feel any different than i've felt this afternoon...still extremely unmotivated, and disscouraged, and i don't know why.
so it's nearly hour 27.
i don't know what i'm doing with this fast or how long i plan to take it.
i'm just.
emotionless.
i'm just trying to *feel* something other than this deep, dark, nothingness. trying to be something. trying to find my way out of this whole of fatness that i see.
maybe i'll restrict tomorrow.
maybe i won't.
by the time i get up it seems a far away land from now.
i don't know.
but heres some words i need to think about.

"11:45:24 PM): like, it's not your friends, family and job that are making you unhappy so much as it's just you. if you let those things back in, for me atleast, things went back to normal"

it is me. i gotta stop fucking running from this demon. and just face it.

or is the demon me?

sometimes i think i'm crazy. and that i'm glued in this spot right here...like i think, okay so i've had an up and down couple of weeks, the world is over, i'm fat forever. this has been my atitude. i've been really thinking about it. this is ridiculous. i have got to get myself together. no, the world's not going to fucking end. yes, the next day is going to fucking come. i think i keep fucking up because i keep over-analyzing and over-thinking too god-damn much. starting back at square one is just so infuriating, that the best way, is just to stop it from coming. well, if i didn't do that, i would have been a week further than i am now. fuck all of this, i'm getting back on track where i belong. when i get frustrated and off track, i stop writing in my journal, which is back too...cause writing is my outlet..my "home" away from the world.

i don't know what i weigh right now.
i'm scared shitless.
but i can't run away anymore.
because i'm running away from everything else in my life too.
i gotta get back on track and start enjoying life.

so i'm making a goal for myself.

even though i don't know what i weigh,
i will be able to tell by the changes in my body.
and i will eventually weight myself.

by april 27th.(the day i leave for vacation)
i want to loose 20 pounds.
this should take care of all my binge weight + a lot moreeee.
so that's a huge goal.

i'm going to work out till no end. till my bones ache everyday.
under -800 a day.
and attempt to fast once per week.
i will set up weekly specifics, but right now it's almost 4 am.


i'm gonna pull an allnighter tonite just to workout and get a kickstart.
i've already workout an hour (475 calories).

my goal is to workout so much, it burns off all my binge- calories. yeah, thats a fuckin lot...but i'm settting goals, and i do not plan on failing.

this relapse is utterly ridiculous. and i'm fucking done.


EDIT: [4:53 A.M] +40 minutes -310 calories
total= 785 burned and it's only 5 AM =]
WICKED!!!

scared.
lonely.
worthless.
disscouraged.
fat.
ugly.
used.
contemplative.
nostalgic.
confused.
numb.

i need to get myself together.
before i'm so fat that it's too late.
i have nothing else to say.
i'm huge.
goodbye.

fast started march 17th 2:00 am.
happy fuckin st. patty's day.
errrr...

my determination to get to 110 pounds is so intense right now. i'm not stopping till i see the number on the scale.


the end.

so it's 4:45 in the morning.
i worked out at 2:00 am, i am ridiculous.
well i was wide awake what the hell else was i gonna do.
i'm not halfway tired.
i think once it hits 6, i'm just gonna go for a drive or something, get coffee, and start the day lol.
haven't pulled an all-nighter in awhilllllee.

okay so tonite.
i decided to pull out all my albums.
i was feeling really nostalgic.
and i wanted to go through everything, summer albums, sweet 16 albums, all of it.
i don't know what possessed me to do this.
but i realized halfway through the entire time all i was doing was looking at M Y S E L F.
my flucuating weights throughout the years.
saying things in my head.
"oh my god, this was right before i started that diet."
"when i lost my first 10 pounds, the first time around before i gained it all back to loose it again."
"wow i really was fat here, and too think at the time i thought i looked so good!"

all these thoughts, pouring in...just examing myself at eevry angle possible. looking at myself at my heaviest weight was painful. my senior year i completely lost control, and self-destructed myself into a horrible relapse, an almost 2 year nightmare. i cut my hair and dyed it jet black for some weird reason, i guess to dry to draw attention away. and at that time my hair was platinum, and i was obsessed with my blonde hair, when i came into school with black hair, everyone was like, W T F. no one ever noticed what i went through. my best friend never knew till i told her almost 2 years later that i was suffering from an ED. when i look on my senior year, i get shivers, and horrible thoughts of how i was going to get through each day doing work and dealing with my ed at the same time. then i look back at these pictures, of this girl, who by nearing the end of the year was almost 180 pounds, lost everything, her looks, and her sanity, i don't know what to feel. i remember being so numb then. but i played it off amazingly, i had to, i couldn't have anyone know that i was suffering. i refused. i'm not that girl anymore.

i choose NOT to deal with anything back then, i choose NOT to deal with my emotions, which is why i ended up in a black hole. a hole that took me every ounce of my body to climb out of. now, i DEAL with how i feel, and i DEAL with my emotions.

i'm just petrofied of that girl i was, and becoming her and becoming fat again. so many horrible things happened to me, and i tend to not think it was timing, i always just knew in my head it was because i had gotten really fat.

i know i won't. it's just a fear cause it happened once. but i feel i know myself now, i guess it's just common to feel that way..but awkward in a way..to fear..how you used to look.

bleck, kinda got off topic, but the main point was, i realized when i was going through pictures, and only looking at myself, that was pretty self-absorbed. and how i focused EVERYTHING on my weight, looks, time period of ed, if i had an ed yet,comparing pics, ect ect. it makes me sick.

i no longer feel compelled to write.

i have nothing much i really want to say.
just feeeling blank right now.
feeling like such an insomniac these days, it's kinda of aggrivating actually.
well.
the new week has offically begun.
i offically have a smile on.
i'm in control.
i've taken lead.
and things feel good right now.

*cheers to a new week*

please go as quick as last.

so i broke down last night and cried.
not sure why.
but i'm okay now.
today, i feel a lot of strength.
i called my best friend and had a mini-convo that was much needed after my 5 day "hiatus".
i'm gonna give her WASTED. it kinda scares me about her reading it, i know she wants to. i know it will give her a cleaer and better understanding about the world of eating disorders beyond the worlds assumptions and beyond what she knows and what i tell. but i'm also afraid it might really scare her. i don't want her to be afraid. i have to take this challege on myself as much as i would love to have group thearpy of my friends every second of the day, and as much as they think going to a hospital is goin to make it all better. its not. at least not for me. i took her in with me though, so i guess in my way, her reading this book, is kinda-of letting her in on the world of the unknown.

a new week is about to start.
i can't believe it.
so, part of what my ED has done to me is made me completely self-absorbded.
i know this. it's hard to help being this way.
so i'm starting my own theraputic change.
i read somewhere on a ED recovery site that "each day you need to push yourself further from your comfort zone". thats very great advice.
so, i'm gonna to try to live each day from now on pushing out of my comfort zone.
this means going out like normal..well, starting slow.
i'm making my goal of next week, as i started saying.
about other people.
i've been so consumed in myself that i didn't even thank my aunt for my christmas or valentines gift. she is also my god-mother, an amazing person..and i meant to thank her, and the only way i can guess that it slipped my mind was because i was too busy thinking about myself.
so i'm going to buy her an easter gift.
i need to stop starting every sentence with "i".
now that i'm really catching myself doing it, it's so horrible, i feel like a piece of shit, like a girl that says "like" all the time and can't stop :/
i also think i wanna go to dinner and be normal with my best friend and pick up the tab. i don't even have the fucking money. but oh well.
it's funny cause up until i realized this in myself, i thought i was one of the most thoughtful/giving people in the world...what a contradiction. i'm just this person that fell in quicksand whose trying to find her way out and save all her good qualities...and good friends.

i do believe that things will fall into place.
i have to believe it.
because i refuse to turn my back on myself or anyone else again.
but this time myself is more important.
i'm not going back to where i was 2 years ago, mentally and physically.
i self-destructed myself.
i didn't know who i was.
i was completely and utterly out of control.
mind out of body.
this self-destructing mess that no one realized underneath.
i can't talk about my past right now, i'll pick back up on it, but it's too painful right now, and i'm afraid it might be triggering.

so i turned my phone back on tonite.
and i cried when i listened to my voicemails.
had a couple.
but they made me really sad.
because my friends were worried about me.
i guess maybe the mere fact that people cared.
maybe thats why i turned it off kinda.
not really.
i just didn't wanna deal with people.
and i always go around saying "i have no friends".
and i do have lots of friends.
and i realized i have this friend ron.
well i didn't JUST realize it, but anyway,
who just came back from college and is here to stay now. and we have been friends since, wow forever. and it just made me sad how worried he was, his voicemail made me cry. and like then i thought about how lucky i was that wow we have been friends since 7th grade, and i thought about our memories, and how not everyone has friends for that many years. and i guess i was thinking about things i should be grateful for.
he asked me if i'd been in the house all week.
i said kinda-of.
he knew i meant yes.
he knows now that i'm having "some sort of problems".
bleh.
he wanted me to drive over there so we could talk. but i wouldnt cause i thought i was too fat. ofcourse i didnt tell him this, but he was like "common diandra, we have been friends forever, i don't care if your in your pajamas" he is right. i should not have cared. i should have gone. that would be a good step in "breaking free". i probably would have felt good about it. i could have just grabbed a sweatshirt and went. hes seen me beautitful, hes seen me ugly, hes seen me fat, seen me skinny, seen me in the middle, seen me withou make-up, hell hes seen me in a towel when i had just got outta the shower. i'm ridiculous. but maybe the better point is that i realize that i'm ridiculous. is that i realize i probably won't leave the house tomorrow either. and i'll just feverishly workout.

thats absurd isn't it.
my friends are getting worried.
the excuses are getting old.
i'm getting restless.
my laundry basket is empty cause i have been wearing the same pear of workout clothes.


but wait stop think.

okay.
i know its absurd.
yes it is.
but it's just the way my silly mind thinks.
i'm going to go out again when i feel better about myself.
which i think will be sunday.
and ill wear a band-t and leggings.
yes.

i still don't know when i'll weigh myself.
all i know is i'm starting to FEEL better about myself.
everyday is closer.
i'm still far.
but reaching toward the goal of: FEELING BETTER. & getting to my goal.
see i said getting to my goal and not getting thin.

progress...eh?
maybe.
i think thats more realistic. so i don't go balistic.

awkward random "cravings" last night. i put it in quotes though because i really had my mind on food, and i was reading my book so i think it just triggered those thoughts/feeings that weren't really even exsisting.

halfway into today.
feeling strong.
anxious about the future.
thinking about my vacation at the end of april..anticipation how i look/feel.
i think at this point, i'm not sure which one overrides the other. i really need to FEEL better about myself. but i know i can't do that without the body i want and looking how i want. it's a complicated thought, maybe i'll come back to it later, bleh.

burnt off: 585 cals.
took in: 740 cals.

good. good.


but i'm in a weird mood. i'm feeling indifferent. i don't know. it's weird.

i think it's cause i have this fear in my stomach that i'm really huge right now. but i CANNOT, simply CANNOT weigh myself. i'm smarter than that, i need to beat the system.

but its like..what DO I WEIGH? i dont even wanna think about it cause it really makes me sickly nervous.

i just need to keep pushing onward. soon the days will reach double-digits since the "deed". bleh, i hate saying binge. even though i just said said. but whatever.

that further i get away from it the more weight i loose, the better i feel, blah blah blah. i just need to get further away. i'm not far enough yet. and most importantly that i'm at my usual weight..i hate this.

i just want it to be a figurment of the past. i want all of this to be a figurment of my past really.

onward onward onward...

so i've read MAYBE like 4 books in my entire 19 years of life, got by high school on spark-notes and i felt so compelled to buy WASTED and i received it today and i read 200 of the 300 page book in one day. that's intense for me. i can't really describe the way it's making me feel, but it's doing something. it's impacting. it's eye-widening. and it's sure as hell triggering. at moments i had to pause and i got really triggered when i've done the exact same thing as her and it's almost like "shit. no. i don't want to be like....her." and it got me scared and i had to put the book down for a bit. a book has never triggered me like that, but i will make it through i'm already 2/3 there!

recap:
burnt off= 635 calories = WOOT!

todays intake:
lowfat yogurt= 200 calories
merenques=80 cals
fugdge bar = 40 cals
pineapple= 50 cals
dinner = pork[200 cals] broccli [45 cals] apple sauce [50 cals]

total = 665

crazy?! burnt off EXACTY HOW MUCH I TOOK IN! WICKEDD!!

so, it's almost 5 am, i'm so crazy i almost don't even want to go to sleep, i just wanna start my day already and start working out! i just feel really anxious to keep pushing forward. so i've had my phone off the past 24 hours of so :/ it's kinda weird when you turn your phone off, the world is really just gone. i just needed to be away from everyones phone calls and text messages, blah blah blah shutup,i need to workout right now and honestly don't feel like talking to anyone. and thats the mood i had all day. but it was a goooood moood....but it's like how do you involve anyone in that..."hey guys, i had an AWESOME night, stayed in worked out for an hour and 20 minutes and stayed in my calorie range even below it for the day, omfgzz!!" yeaaah...no.


sometimes i have this pretend fantasy. not like a fantasy. but i jokingly think about it. ifi was somehow just stranded on a desert island for like a month. then miraculously found, and everyones cheering cause im ridiculously skinny from so food from a month.

how sick is that.

if i were stranded somewhere i think i might be excited. maybe just maybe.






tomorrow is going to be a good day. i'm going to get coffee tomorrow i decided. i haven't had coffee in like 4 days days. and tomorrow is THURSDAY. YAY. i can't believe it's gonna be thursday. see the days move kinda sorta quick-ish.

i will get through this.

"never have been one to write it down
now I think I can
i know I'm stronger now
who's looking south
not me I'm not looking back
i'm done denying the truth to anyone
cause I'm alive

i'm not going to look back
i'm not going to look back
i'm not going to look back"